*Robin Williams. Photograph: Ken Hively/Los Angeles Times/ContourPhotos.com in The Guardian
Since I learned Robin Williams killed himself, I can barely breathe. It’s not just me who’s in mourning; I’ll bet you are too. Not only because we loved this guy, but because we’ve all experienced pain and probably even thought about “checking out” at one point or another. When we hear about someone that wonderful, loved and successful killing themselves, we wonder “What hope is there for us?”
Obviously, I don’t know Robin personally, and I’ll never know exactly what happened. But I get inside of other people’s stories for a living, and I felt like there was something deeper going on here.
Yes, he had Parkinson’s Disease (and, as was later discovered, Lewy Bodies Dementia), and it was what pushed him over the edge. But from reading over 40 articles about him online, it’s clear his depression was there all along. After a lifetime of living with it, 13 years of studying it, and watching my father almost be destroyed by—and destroy our family with—it, depression is something I understand intimately.
Yes, there’s a chemical imbalance. Yes, it has a physical component. But no drug can solve the problem because those imbalances are just the aftermath, the side effects of the root problem; emotional emptiness.
This emptiness, which can be experienced as bouts of profound sadness—the vortex kind that convinces people to take their own lives—is born with the False Self, usually as a simple, mistaken belief: “I am not enough.”
This tiny thought is like a Trojan Horse computer virus hidden in the operating system of your mind; it can crash the entire system. And it’s only one of the damaging thoughts born with the False Self; there are plenty more where that came from.
My partner’s good friend, Alex, a talented fashion designer, killed himself a few years ago for the same reason. When I was 17, I swallowed a bottle of painkillers for that reason. And for most of my life, even after going to therapy and studying the subconscious intensely, I walked the razor’s edge of “Should I stay, or should I go?.”
Thanks to all the inner work I’ve done, this year, for the first time in 44 years, I am waking up without my long-time companions of panic and despair.
Even when they do visit, I know they’re “not me” so I don’t get too disturbed by it. It’s a miracle, but it’s based in the truth of how our minds work. So…I’m writing this post for Alex, for Robin, for myself, and for everyone else who believes they need to be or do something special to deserve love. It’s bullshit. You were born special. You were born “enough”.
I’m going to show you what’s behind the curtains of this thought: “I am not enough.” Actually, I’m gonna tear those muthafucking curtains down.
How Your False Self Was Created
You are the main character in your own story, and the story began BEFORE you were born
It began with your parents and their parents. What they believed became what you were taught. If they believed it was not okay to be who they really were, they taught you the same thing. They didn’t know any better. Even if your parents WERE enlightened-ish, unless you grew up in a bubble, there was still your school, your community, your culture, the nightly news, movies, plus whether or not you grew up in a safe place or a war zone… However your lizard brain (the primitive part of your brain in charge of survival) perceived this stuff is now the filter through which you see the world.
Act 1 and Your True Self
Your False Self was created in what I call “Act 1” of your life—this is our formative years from age 0-10—when your True Self (yes, you were born with a personality, unique talents and so on) was not embraced by your caregivers/tribe. It’s the self your lizard brain believes you need to be in order to get love, feel accepted, remain safe, and have your practical needs met (food, shelter etc.).
The Emptiness
A disconnect, or rift, was then created between your inner True Self, and the self you believed you had to project to the world to gain the love, acceptance and attention you needed.
The bigger that disconnect, the more emptiness you will feel as an adult. You will try to fill that emptiness with outside things (whatever brings temporary relief—whether it’s a cookie, an affair, a new job, or a bottle of Jack Daniels). But pouring things into this emptiness just makes the gap bigger. The addictions escalate. You quit one but soon replace it with another.
In Robin’s case, he stopped doing cocaine, but kept drinking. Then he quit drinking but remained a workaholic. He became obsessed with cycling, eventually owning over 50 bikes. He became a serious gamer, with dedicated equipment.
Feel-Good Junkies
It’s how it always is with people who lack a sense of congruency between who they are inside and who they are outside. I include myself in that camp. We become obsessive about anything we discover that makes us feel good (because we never learned to feel good about just being who we are). Dr. Gabor Mate explained this clearly in his book “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.” It’s the same for sugar junkies like me as it is for alcoholics as it is for serial killers—we are all trying to stop feeling that emptiness. And in the case of people who feel a numb “nothingness”, they will do almost anything to feel something, anything, even if it’s not a good feeling. We all want to feel “alive”.
Serial Killers as Human Beings
I just watched a documentary about a man who killed women while he was dressed in women’s clothes. Turned out his mother dressed him in girls clothes during his entire childhood and treated him as a girl. The message he got: I need to be a girl to be loved. But he couldn’t be a girl, so he despised them; they got to have love just for being who they were. He didn’t just kill them because he was jealous; he killed them to become them, so he could feel, for those few sick moments, that he was “enough”. That’s the far end of the spectrum of how insanely lost we can become when we don’t understand this stuff.
If the serial killer reference is too out-there for you, that’s okay. The important thing, to me, is that you leave this post with a small piece of insight into your own emptiness–because it’s there. I know it is. We all have some.
Here’s What Happened in Act 1 of Robin’s Life:
The Story Setting
(*Based on what I learned from reading about 40 articles and interviews in major publications online such as this one.)
The character named Robin was born into a world where he felt abandoned and lonely. He lived on the family’s big estate in Michigan (where his dad was a Ford executive) with parents who were barely home and no friends or siblings to play with (he had half brothers, but they lived elsewhere). When his strict, workaholic father did pay attention to him, it was to let Robin know he didn’t approve of his playful approach to life; he even attempted to crush it with graphic stories of how hard “real” life was.
By now, the lizard brain was clear that Robin’s True Self (curious, sensitive, creative, introverted, intelligent) was not going to be embraced and supported. It was at this stage that the False Self was born–to help him survive in an environment that was “hostile” to his True Self.
The Birth of the False Self: The Play-By-Play
Stage 1
Robin used his intelligent, creative mind to animate his toys–giving them all unique voices–so he’d feel less lonely. In psycho-speak, it’s called a “coping strategy”. The lizard brain rightly noted the importance of this new tool for not feeling lonely (hence optimizing chances of survival), so it became his “superpower” (we all have one or two; mine are intuition + processing the world through a framework of stories; these helped me survive my difficult childhood).
BTW: Our “superpower” is not part of the “False Self”. It’s just a helpful tool for survival, plus the most powerful way for us to help others (*In my work with leaders, it’s that unique thing they can do for others that no one else can do quite like them; it’s what your business/career should always be built around). The problems began with what Robin learned to use this tool for.
Stage 2
Robin discovered he could use this tool to gain his (somewhat vain and disengaged) mother’s love and attention. He would do impersonations of his grandmother, which made his mother laugh.
It registered this as THE way Robin could get love—by being endlessly entertaining and making people laugh. Since it worked, he went on to use it as a strategy to get people at school to like him as well (previously they had bullied him for being “chubby”).
The Real Problem: He Wasn’t “Good Enough” As Himself
The problem wasn’t that he was talented and funny; that was awesome. The problem was he couldn’t just be himself and get the love he needed. He couldn’t be the quiet introvert who just happened to be good at animating things; people didn’t love that Robin. He learned he had to turn all his energy outward to entertain others to get the love he needed.
Once he started, he didn’t know how to turn it off. He never learned it was safe to let people in. Or, if he did, it was quite late in his life.
The Wrong Solution
Robin dealt with this the same way most people deal with it; he tried to drown it out with various addictions: work (Have you counted how many movies he made?), women, drugs, alcohol and gaming (yep, he loved WarCraft, among others). But his biggest addiction was making people laugh; it’s where he got his sense of value: “If they love me, I must be okay.” (He actually said that in one interview.)
The False Self Is Only a Problem When You Believe It’s “You”
The big-picture problem isn’t so much having a False Self; because that’s part of what makes our life stories so interesting—it creates the plot for the crazy journey we take back to finding who we really are. My personal journey has been both brutal and wonderful, and I wouldn’t change a thing. It helps us develop compassion for others, insight, patience, wisdom and more. And then we get to share that good stuff with other people. That’s what I’m doing right now. If I hadn’t been to hell and back, I wouldn’t be able to teach you this stuff.
In Robin’s case, it was also wonderful, in a way, that he felt so motivated to make others laugh, partly because of his need to feel “enough” but also because he had a deep understanding of pain and struggle; he was an unusually compassionate human being who genuinely wanted to uplift others, even if it was exhausting for an introvert like him.
I guess it comes down to this: I just feel that it royally sucks when people die before learning the truth about themselves, thinking they’re flawed when they’re simply looking at themselves through this dark filter.
I watched an interview with Robin about his new TV gig, The Crazy Ones. He looked genuinely excited and happy. Newspapers are reporting that he only took the job for the money, but I think he saw another shot at “being enough” again. Then the axe dropped; the show was cancelled. And one of his last movies, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, was yet another box-office disaster for him.
It’s possible that, with a string of dud movies and a cancelled TV show, Robin’s False Self believed he wasn’t funny enough anymore. He was washed up. Which meant he’d lost the only way he knew of to “be enough” and get the love and validation of his own value he needed. Throw a diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease [and then Lewy Bodies Dimensia] on top of that, and it’s understandable why it looked too dark to go on. He signed himself into a 12-step program this spring, even though he wasn’t drinking again. My guess is, he wasn’t worried about alcohol. He was already thinking of checking out and he was hoping they’d pull him out of the downward spiral. But it didn’t work. After he left there he barely left the house for a few weeks and then he was found dead.
My heart breaks just writing this shit. And I’m not doing it to dig into Robin’s personal business but to show you that it’s universal. His story is our story, and we all need to learn from it.
Here’s the summary:
- You come into this world with a unique personality—a True Self, with interests and abilities. You are naturally curious, playful and have no problems communicating your feelings. When you feel happy, you laugh; when you feel sad, you cry. When you want something, you let people know.
- But you need adults to teach you how to survive in this new environment, so you look to them to help you define who you are, what’s okay and what matters.
- This information is recorded and programmed into your lizard brain.
- If it does not nurture and embrace your True Self, a False Self is born.
- This False Self can be mildly troublesome or downright disruptive, depending on how “big” it is. I’ve yet to meet anyone without one, but some are much worse than others.
- You believe this False Self is you. But deep down you know it’s a lie, so there’s a conflict. This makes it hard to be alone with yourself; because the truth starts surfacing. You may feel sad, angry, confused or just numb. The feeling is uncomfortable, so you’ll try to shove it under a carpet. Yet it will always reappear, sometimes years later, blindsiding you. When you’re living as the false you, you can be the most successful person in the world and still feel vaguely empty. You’ll rush to put on music, read a book, turn on the TV, create a to-do list, text a friend, anything to avoid this unsettled feeling. But it only works temporarily, because you’re not addressing the root of the problem
Hence my fav quote by Anais Anin (which I’m shamelessly sharing again, because if it’s the only thing you remember about this article, it’ll be enough): “You don’t see life as it is; you see it as you are.”
Maybe it’s more accurate to say, you see life as you were programmed to see it by your lizard brain.
That’s the False Self.
…But what the hell are you supposed to do about it? That’s the next post… (Read the whole series!)
- When Shit Isn’t Working
- Why Robin Williams Killed Himself
- Why It’s So Hard to Change
- 4 Steps to Conquer Your False Self
***
If you feel moved to do so, write your own experiences and thoughts in the comments below. Also, if you think this post can help even one person, share it with them. You just never know who’s sitting on that razor edge. xo
- It taps you into your purpose + life's calling.
- This gives you focus + motivation + momentum.
- It comes with a video tutorial + mini-course.
- + 6 days of life-changing secrets on harnessing the power of your subconscious mind to do bigger things faster + happier.
Profound. Your simple sentence: “I am not enough.” was enough to literally complete a lifetime’s journey to answer my question why? why? why?
Words can’t express my gratitude. thank you . tracie
ps i posted this, referring to your blog post on my fb page. :)
..”…Removed the program virus now.
yes that tiny worm agggghhh boy
its revolting the bug
the bug is so secret
it has been hidden behind not only
a firewall but
a FUCKING SECRET firewall.
just like in matrix3. fuck fuck
the hidden bug program virus is the tiny idea: I AM NOT ENOUGH.
that is the root of it and getting rid of the fucker
is so FUCKING easy.
not only is the truth of the matter that we are ENOUGH but the truth of the matter is that we are EACH so ENOUGH that we are FUCKING
EVERYTHING.
IT was that tiny thought that corrupted everything all of us.
for me it always caused me
to feel guilt for compensating with superiority
and then fucking shame for compensating with inferiority.
see how you were fucked both ways to sunday.
fuck. guilt and shame and continual destabilisation
fuck.
the worm in the subconscious.
that little subconscious program that is the entire source of the entire world’s problems.
see?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ahhh.
fuck.”…..
In deepest gratitude to Shawn Phelps, wayshower.
https://shawnphelps.com/2014/08/15/robin-williams-killed-meet-false-self-2-3/
And in deepest gratitude and thanks to Robin Williams, true Wayseer whose passing was never in vain. Truth is true, nothing else is true. Love has no opposite:
This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.
This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:
Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.
http://www.acim.org/AboutACIM/what_it_says.html
Tracie! I loved reading your response; yes that one little thought virus messes with the whole program. It thrills me that this helped you break through…much more than I can say. I wrote it hoping it would help someone, and you just made it worthwhile. I would not say it’s easy to delete that thought or the challenges it creates though, not for most people, but it def makes it easier to do when you understand the root problem. I agree ACIM is useful for many people. There are many paths to the same truth however. We all have to decide what feels right for us. Shine on, luv! Xo
Great article Shawn!! Thank you for putting so much thought into it. I have been deeply affected by Robins passing, as I have suffered from depression most of my life with the feeling of not being good enough, and was diagnosed with stage IV cancer in 2012. Initially, there was an outpouring of love & attention and so I felt “good enough” and thought “I’m gonna change the world by helping other people with cancer” ! Then people had to get back to their lives and I fell back into the dark abyss. I also found myself more sensitive emotionally than I had ever been and so I isolated myself thinking that if I just stayed away from everyone I couldn’t get hurt. I understand now that that’s not the answer either. I keep getting back up and trying to find answers but it is difficult. Many times, I know, say exercising will help me but I lack the motivation to do it. I’m not a lazy person, I have just realized that I need a “community” to support and love me which is not always easy to find.
Your article is right in line with some of the reading material I have recently discovered. My brain really processed the material because of the way you layed it out! Chemo-brain is a bitch!! LOL
Kathy luv! I’m so glad you found value in this. And I’m sorry to hear about your own struggles. It’s true that we are all enough, but it’s hard to convince our “lizard brain” or false self of that, which is why the world is in the mess it’s in. I agree that we need a community around us of people on a similar path; that is what has lifted me after years of struggling alone. On your current situation, sometimes the best thing to do after a lot of struggle is to stop and rest; go somewhere nice where you can be reminded of the beauty of just being, where no one expects anything of you. Drink pineapple smoothies and feel the sun etc. with no expectations for yourself except to be. Sorry if this whole train of thought sounds odd but if this resonates for you, it’s a feeling I have. If not feel free to disregard. Take care of you. This life path shit is tough stuff and I think most of the time we are all way too hard on ourselves. Xo
Shawn,
Thank you so much for this post. I had typed more but removed it. I just want you to know that it has helped reinforce what I felt I was experiencing. Hopefully my True Self will pull through soon.
Thanks.
Glad you found it helpful, Adam. Hang in there. You are enough. xo