For the past few weeks I’ve been posting some of the guidance I receive for my clients, and sometimes just about life in general, on my Facebook page. I’m usually drinking coffee when I get the inspiration to share these, so I’ve been calling the series #coffeewisdom. People have been personally contacting me to tell me how much it’s helping them, so I thought I’d start sharing a few here with you + elaborating a bit on them.
If you want to “fix” other people…
“If you want to help someone, don’t spout spiritual platitudes at them like “just be in the now”. Show up and listen with genuine empathy and unconditional love. Share your own vulnerabilities so they know they’re not alone. We cannot “fix” or heal people. They heal themselves when they have two things: Safety. Unconditional love.”
If you want to “fix” yourself…
“Instead of trying to “fix” yourself, open your heart to yourself. Take the time to listen to your own feelings without judgment. Hold a container of kindness for you where you’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself the empathy you’ve always craved from others. This is the shortcut to healing that you’ve been looking for.”
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P.S. I know all about being a “fixer”. I used to think I knew it all. I’d attended every personal development workshop and empowerment conference, walked on coals, meditated with monks, had bona fide “spiritual experiences”, read all the books by spiritual masters, read piles of biographies by leaders and big thinkers, and studied all the subtleties of psychology—how our patterns of belief get formed, and how that plays out in our lives. I’d healed myself of an autoimmune disorder. I’d used the power of intention to create cool things in my life. And I’d transformed my life in many beautiful ways.
I thought this qualified me to “help” other people. But I had missed the most important thing. Love. It wasn’t that I hadn’t noticed that all the spiritual masters were always going on about “love”. I just didn’t feel it was practical or applicable. Now I began taking it more seriously.
What does love look like in the context of “helping others”? After a lot of trial and error, both with myself and others, I realized it looks like making a safe space for someone to embrace their current experience, without judgment, and without needing to fix or teach anything.
When I began putting more effort into holding a space of love and acceptance for people rather than trying to fix them, they easily experienced huge breakthroughs in their lives. And my life became easier because I didn’t have to give any thought to the “right” things to say or do to help them, because the answers would present themselves without effort.
The same thing happened when I began holding that space for myself as well. I was able to integrate new realizations and make shifts more quickly. And I was able to do it in a way that felt a lot better than it used to.
Rise up and shine as your True Self,
Shawn xo
