Valentine’s Day got me thinking about romantic relationships.
I know too many amazing, beautiful people who have given up on finding something great, and I think that’s a tragedy for two reasons: first because I’m a romantic (I’m not in love with bachata for nothin’!), and second because I know people who are in amazing relationships and I’ve been in amazing relationships (including two that lasted 5 years each, and both are still friends…we just outgrew each other–one of those included both of us living and working from home in a 500 sq ft condo! Lots of hours together.). So I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on what I believe is necessary to really have this.
1) You have to choose to believe it’s possible for you. You have to keep the faith that someone is going to see how amazing you are and want to get with that, regardless of what has happened in the past. Your past does not determine your future. Your beliefs determine your future.
2) You have to be unapologetically yourself. Let your real personality and passions show. Don’t try to impress anyone or be what you think they want. Because then you’re going to attract the wrong people. You can only share something real with someone who sees the real you and likes that.
3) You have to like the real you. Preferably love the real you. Because it’s exhausting to love someone who doesn’t love themself. Because they will use you to try to feel “enough” and that’s not what relationships are for. So go do your own healing work first, if need be. If you get into any relationship thinking it’s going to make you feel whole or happy, you’re heading for a truckload of disappointment (that you’ll inevitably use to convince yourself that good relationships are impossible, when the truth is more likely that you are still learning how to build a good relationship with yourself–so solve the real problem).
4) You have to know what you want (as opposed to what you don’t want). Sit down and think about how you’d like to feel with that person and what kinds of qualities you’d like them to have. (And then use that as a date barometer guide. Don’t go out with people who don’t make you feel that way. No exceptions. If you find yourself making exceptions go back and work on #3.)
5) You have to take the time to get to know people as they are, rather than as you want them to be. A major failing of human beings is that we project our own assumptions, judgments and fantasies onto others. We imagine we know what they’re thinking or feeling. We imagine we know why they’re doing certain things. Having a relationship that works requires really investing time into finding out what that person actually does think and feel, usually by watching them over a long period of time, and asking them specific questions to understand them better. (It also includes caring about what they think and feel, even when it isn’t what you want them to think and feel.)
6) You have to let go of your expectations and assumptions of what a relationship “should” look like, what the other person “should” do for you and vice versa, and communicate openly to discover what both of you want/prefer and why. The romance you see in the movies isn’t real. Relationships never “just work” (except for the first few months, when we’re stoned on the “in-love” hormones; those always wear off). We all have very different ideas of how much freedom or independence we want, of how often we need to text or call each other, of how much time we will spend together and so much more. Every relationship is going to be unique, based on the two people who enter into it. Every relationship is an ongoing negotiation. Every relationship is an intensive course in learning how to understand yourself and another human being, and creatively ensuring both your needs are met.
7) You have to communicate regularly, honestly and kindly, and always from a place of considering that the other person is doing the best they can with what they know. Because people always do the best they can with what they know, even when that isn’t great. Also, avoiding awkward conversations just leads to pain and disappointment later. Really communication was the key to both of my longer-term relationships working as well as they did. We had a lot of major differences because both of my exes were from different cultures. But regular, respectful communication solves a lot of problems.
8) You have to risk getting hurt. There is no safe way to open your heart to another person. There is always the chance you will get hurt. You can’t protect yourself and expect to genuinely experience intimacy with another human being. You have to be willing to be vulnerable. That doesn’t mean you can’t take your time, because you certainly should, to make sure they are worth it and can be trusted with your heart. What also helps with this is #3, knowing that you’re worth being with, and if this one doesn’t work out, something even better will come along. (Because as long as you keep working on #3, you will keep evolving and therefore attract people who are an even better match for you.)
9) You have to go out and interact with other people, which is necessary for human beings to feel happy anyway, because we are social beings. You aren’t going to find anyone sitting at home by yourself. I personally don’t believe in “looking for” someone. I believe if you just get out and live and love your life, someone worth getting to know will naturally show up. But everyone’s different, and you have to do what feels right for you. I’m not in any hurry, because I’ve invested time into creating a life that feels great as it is.
10) You have to be happy now and make an effort to feel grateful for the love you already have in your life from family and friends (and from yourself!). Love is not confined to being with one particular person. Love is a universal thing we can all share with each other. This whole idea that we can only feel good if we have love from a particular person is ridiculous and unhealthy. All of our relationships matter equally. All of the love we share with ourselves and others has value. We are all whole and complete just as we are. A committed relationship is just someone to grow with and share the journey with. Which is lovely to have, but totally not necessary to fully enjoy our lives.
To read all my past #coffeewisdom and #coffeethoughts posts visit my Facebook page. (I only post a few of them here on the blog, but I often share them on Facebook.)
Rise up and make a difference in this world as your True Self,
Shawn xo
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