Someone says something to you that you don’t like. You feel angry. Really angry. You spend the next hour imagining all the brilliant, witty things you’ll say back to them in your defense.
But wait. Did their comment actually make you angry?
Or did you feel a little emotional “ugh” inside of you that you didn’t want to feel, and responded to THAT with anger?
It’s an important distinction if you want to be free from anger in this lifetime. And you do. Because whatever you’re feeling attracts similar experiences that have that same energy.
So…the calmer and happier you feel inside, the calmer and happier your life will reflect back to you outside. And this is the energetic soil you need to plant a life that really works.
And the angrier you feel? Well, let me present to you my own life as proof.
First, I know anger. I’m an expert on it.
Fifteen years ago I had arguments with other people and myself all day long in my mind. Although I was good at hiding it, almost everything people said would trigger me.
If a friend told me she got a promotion, I’d seethe with jealousy…and feel angry that it wasn’t me. Almost everything my then-boyfriend said and did made me feel angry, which led to lots of sulking and feeling sorry for myself. My family was a hotbed of drama. I felt like I was eternally solving problems and no one appreciated any of it.
The result? More anger.
But there’s more still! I was working too many hours at a job I didn’t love, because I felt a duty and obligation to do so, and so I felt the resentment and bitterness of being unappreciated. I would even get in arguments in the comments section of articles online, which I’d obsess about for days!
Honestly, it makes my skin crawl when I think about how many hours, days, weeks and years of my life I wasted on feeling angry. But it wasn’t my fault. Because I didn’t know that the anger was there to help me.
Yes, I just said that anger is here to help us. Stay with me.
Our own subconscious beliefs, doubts and hidden fears are projected back to us through others in their words and actions. It’s a perfect system, meant to show us what we still need to heal to move forward on our life journey.
So anger helpfully (and powerfully!) illuminates where you still have emotional pain buried inside of you that needs to be processed.
This does NOT mean what the person is saying is true. Quite the contrary.
(Caveat: Occasionally it is true, so it’s good to go inside and check. Like that time I was in Australia when I was 25, and the couple I was staying with told me I wasn’t considerate of others’ needs. Oh was I ever mad. Furious. But after I calmed down and thought about it, I realized they were absolutely right, and I thanked them for pointing it out.)
But usually it’s not true.
Usually what it means is that you secretly believe it is true (even though it isn’t), and it’s creating a hidden pocket of pain for you; otherwise you would not get angry.
Because if someone says something that you know for certain is not true–if you know it is only their own projection (and almost everything people say about others is just a projection of something they feel inside themselves)–then you will not feel angry about it. You will just shrug and say “Okay, I can see you believe that. I don’t. C’est la vie.”
For example, if someone says: “You are purple and you should really do something about that,” you are unlikely to get angry, because you don’t have any buried emotional beliefs or fears around people thinking you’re purple.
But if someone says: You really suck at “insert something you care about”, or “I don’t like the way you did that”, or “You’re really selfish”, now you will likely have an emotional reaction. Your ego will be triggered into defending “itself”.
But these are just words. They can’t hurt you unless you believe them (!!). If the statement is not true, then there’s nothing to defend (and if the ego isn’t engaged, then there’s no one to defend it).
We are not responsible for what other people say, that is their own projection.
What we are responsible for is how we react to what others say: noticing the domino effect of what it activates inside of us that is not healed yet, and then holding an intention to heal that, and then doing the actual work required to follow through (meditation, freewriting, EFT, therapy, whatever feels right for you).
I’ve been doing this for years now and, because of it, there are very few arguments going on in my head. When they do show up, I stop and go inside to uncover what part of me is being triggered, then I go and do EFT or freewriting with the intention of healing it.
The calmness in my mind is now reflected in my life, which is a drama-free zone. For example, both my partner and I work from home in a 600 square foot condo. We rarely argue (and when we do, we both work hard to listen to each others’ point of view), and this gives us a lot more time and energy to joke around and take fun food adventure/breaks together.
My family still has some drama (what family doesn’t?), but I do my best to not get involved.
Of course, as you know—because I’m always going on about it—I am now doing work that I love with people I love…so it’s all good there.
And, my favourite thing, is that now, when my friends tell me something good is happening for them, I feel genuinely happy about it. So happy, in fact, it’s as though something wonderful happened directly to me!
So yeah. Now that I’m much less annoyed on the inside, very few annoying things happen outside. Even in general. People are nicer. Life is smoother.
As inside, also outside.
So I am grateful to all those people who’ve “made me feel angry” over the years. Without them I wouldn’t be here, and “here” is pretty good.
I’ll tell you a secret: At first, it was pretty weird having so little drama in my life. I missed it, but only because I was so used to it. Now, I wouldn’t trade my inner peace for self righteous anger, and the drama that comes with it, for anything. And because I’m so committed to that, my life keeps getting better all the time…both inside and outside.
Rise up and shine as your True Self,
Shawn xo
P. S. I’d love to read your thoughts or questions about this or any other post in the comments below or on my Facebook page.
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