I used to think I was my feelings.
I AM sad.
I AM anxious.
As a result, I took this on as an identity:
I AM a sad person.
I AM an anxious person.
Then I created a false belief to defend and protect this identity.
All of the great writers were sad/troubled/anxious. And since I want to be a great writer, it is perfect that I am sad/troubled/anxious.
I read books by all the sad, troubled and anxious writers and artists to shore up this belief. I was drawn toward musicians and songs that reflected this, like Dinah Washington’s version of You Don’t Know What Love Is and Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujah.
I memorized a poem by Edgar Allen Poe and would recite it for intrigued suitors. (Subconsciously, I had also decided that sadness made me mysterious, and therefore more interesting. Oh the slippery slope!)
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone—
And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone.
~Edgar Allan Poe
When I first began meditating, I feared that if I gave up my connection with sadness, I would no longer feel life deeply. And then I couldn’t be a great writer (writing was also a core piece of my identity).
But I learned that this sadness/anxiousness is not who I am; it’s just a feeling that comes and goes, like clouds in the sky. So I learned to say:
I FEEL sad.
I FEEL anxious.
This changed my identity to the following:
I AM a person who often feels sad and anxious.
A great improvement! Even though this was a small shift in the story I was telling myself, my reality began to change for the better.
Since mindfulness meditation had made this possible, I began practicing daily, sometimes for hours at a time. And I soon noticed that I was able to observe these feelings of sadness and anxiety.
A grand realization appeared:
There is a self inside of me who is not feeling sad or anxious. It is merely observing the self who is feeling those things.
Over the next decade, this led me to begin practicing Self Inquiry, where I would ask questions in my meditation and receive answers (this + a kundalini awakening is what led me to become a True Self channeller). Here is one of those conversations.
So WHO is feeling those feelings? I inquired.
The Child Self.
Am I the Child Self?
Yes and no. The Child Self creates your experience. It’s the outfit you wear in this lifetime, the character you are playing that allows you to experience this life in a certain way. It guards the gateway to the real you. When you make friends with the Child Self and help it to feel whole and complete, then and only then will you experience what it’s like to align with your True Self.
I’m confused, I replied. If the real me is my True Self, why would I pay attention to my Child Self?
Because your True Self can only be expressed through your Child Self, which forms your persona for this life.
Whoah!…so the True Self is the observer, BUT it also gets expressed through the Child Self.
So what is the part of me that is judging my Child Self? And the part that manages my life?
It’s your Adult Imprint. It’s not an actual Self, but an imprint of all the messages you received in your childhood about how adults behave and what will best help you to manage that environment. The easiest way to heal your Child Self is to consciously change your Adult Imprint; to create a new “Adult Imprint” that speaks kindly and gently toward your Child Self.
Okay. I have another question. I know my Child Self has plenty of desires (coffee! cookies! travel!), but does the True Self have desires? Or is it just a boring observer, with no feelings or personality? (That was my biggest fear, BTW, on my whole journey of awakening—am I going to become a loving, yet super boring being?!!)
Yes, your True Self is the source of your deepest desires—the ones that can best motivate you to live out your highest possibilities. It’s the part of you that wants to express itself in this world—to have an impact. It wants to draw, dance, write, play, build, make, collaborate, transform and teach. It delights in seeing its effect on the physical world. And it’s driven to do all these things to bring more joy and delight into the world for everyone. It does not see itself as separate from others. Like a baby, it cannot differentiate between itself and others, because it knows the truth…that they are ONE.
So does my True Self have feelings?
Yes. Joy. Delight. Aliveness. Playfulness. Connection and Communion. It loves to play, share, laugh, make others laugh, and have new experiences. It’s the part of you that lights up when you eat something new for the first time, and love it. Or when you arrive in a new city. Or make a new friend.
Does my True Self feel sadness and anxiety?
No. It has no negative feelings. Shame. Anger. Anxiety. Judgment. Frustration. Bitterness. Apathy. Jealousy. These feelings all belong to the hurt child persona. But they are a gift. They guide you in two ways. Your pain points to your purpose. It tells you what you came here to learn, so you can then use what you learned to make the world better for everyone. It also tells you when you’re being the opposite of who you really are—when you are identifying with your Child Self, and therefore unable to help and heal your hurt child.
So, there you have it. Your True Self does have feelings…and desires. And those desires will lead you in the direction of living your purpose and Hero’s Journey to help others at your highest potential.
No need to fear awakening, or worry that you’ll become some kind of boring spiritual being who just sits around radiating light all day!
Your True Self will always be expressed through your Child Self persona, so you’ll always have a unique personality. Aligning with your True Self leads only to more fulfillment, joy, play, aliveness and delight while living your purpose—and those feelings attract great things into your life like a magnet.
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Rise and shine as your Self,
Shawn xo
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