So, you just made a big, bad mistake…AND it’s a mistake you’ve made before so you’re royally pissed at yourself.
The Maybe Train
…Maybe you didn’t handle something in the best way (like you really, really didn’t). Maybe you shouldn’t have had that extra cocktail with a client (or friend), because you know that always leads to trouble. Maybe you didn’t organize your time as well as you could’ve and you missed a deadline you wanted to meet. Maybe you shouldn’t have sent that email while you were still feeling emotional.
Whatever it is, your mind keeps spinning stories around it: “If only this….if only that…”
And judgments: “I suck. Why can’t I get this right?”
Good News
The problem isn’t the mistake; it’s that some reptilian remnant of your brain believes that mistakes aren’t useful and that the sinking feeling you have in the pit of your stomach means you’re probably a bad person (or bad coach, or bad something or other). Why would you feel bad if you didn’t deserve it?
Well, feelings don’t mean what you think they mean. This is where we all get messed up.
Here’s the most important thing I’ve learned from 13 years of observing feelings. Ready?
Feelings are information. That is all.
Just think of them like a personal GPS system letting you know you just went somewhere you don’t want to go, so you can choose somewhere better. They inform you that you’ve done something that goes against who you’d like to be (that’s why it feels bad). If they could talk they’d say: “Hey Sunshine, try not to go here next time. It felt shitty last time, remember?”
(More specifically, they are information about the unhelpful things you learned during your formative years about yourself, learning and so on, but I’ll get more into that in another post.)
Here’s a fun fact worth knowing about learning:
We human beings are funny in that we aren’t born knowing everything. We have to learn how to eat, walk, read and speak. We have to learn how to become an entrepreneur, a facilitator, a filmmaker, a writer and so on. We also have to learn how to be patient, how to communicate our needs in a respectful way, how to honour our limits, how to listen, and most important of all, how to genuinely understand ourselves and others.
“Thanks, Shawn,” you’re probably thinking, “But I know all this already.”
Of course you do. Yet, how often do you expect yourself to already know everything?
If you’re anything like me, I’m guessing every day.
Here’s a useful list on how we don’t learn:
- By defending our bad choices/behaviour to ourselves or others (“I’m sorry, but…”).
- By attacking ourselves with hurtful thoughts and words (“What’s wrong with me? I should know better!”).
- By attacking others (“If only you had…I wouldn’t have done this.”)
- By feeling sorry for ourselves (“Because nothing ever works out for me anyway…”)
- By needing other people to give us permission to forgive ourselves. (“Once he/she forgives me, I can try again.”)
P.S. Yes, I’ve quality tested all of these options at different points in my life and can assure you of their uselessness.
How we actually learn new things:
- By experiencing the consequences of our choices and behaviour.
- By evaluating (and re-evaluating) what we’d prefer to do next time.
- By practicing that new thing (Yeah, pity, but you can’t skip this step. And learning new stuff takes a LOT of practice.)
- By celebrating every inch we grow; every tiny freaking win. (Because victory comes in inches…according to that great guru, Al Pacino. Yes, I know you’ve seen it but I really think it’s worth watching again. When it comes to our own growth “we have to be willing to fight and die for that inch.” Oh, and just skip the stupid ad at the beginning and don’t sweat it.)
What have you learned about learning? Don’t keep all that wealth to yourself; share your experiences with the rest of us!
And if you happen to know anyone who’s ever made a big, bad mistake who might feel better after reading this post, don’t hold back; Just share it!
