Quick. I’m sure you’re annoyed about something or someone right now. Because…human. :)
So what do you think you need to feel better about yourself or your life in relation to this situation?
Now ask yourself:
And what will that give me (that I don’t have now)?
This simple tool will give you lightning fast insight into what’s really going on for you, paving the way for you to feel a lot perkier about yourself and your life right now. Let’s explore this a bit.
Here’s an example.
A few months ago I noticed I felt a desire to have someone I barely know acknowledge and accept that what I was telling them about my experience was true (and they were telling me that my experience was not true).
As a result, I felt frustrated and angry. My mind decided this was important to me so it set out to solve the problem—by subconsciously exploring all the different ways I could explain it to this person so they would understand.
What this looked like in my experience was—I’d be writing, or doing my bookkeeping, or making tea, or whatever, and all of a sudden there’d be a full-on debate in my head between me and this person.
Ever experienced this? Super annoying, right?
Fortunately, I’m in the habit of asking my psyche (known to me as my “Child Self”) deeper questions about things like this. So I asked myself:
What is it I really want right now?
I want him to say that I’m right about my own experience, not him. (So there!)
Why? What will that give me?
I’ll feel better.
Why?
Because I’ll feel validated.
And what will that give me?
I don’t know. More self trust and confidence in my own experience?
Oh oh. Whoah there Nellie.
Let me get this straight. You believe that if this acquaintance believes something you’ve told him about your feelings/experiences, then somehow it’s more true or valid? And if he doesn’t then it’s not?
I guess?
You guess?! No wonder you feel angry. You’re choosing to value someone else’s opinion of your experience over your own actual experience.
Hmm. Actually, it’s worse than that. I believe I’ll have more value if someone else validates my experiences. Ugh.
Bingo! This is the ugly gem hidden under almost all of our thwarted desires. (And, yes, I do have these types of conversations with my psyche all the time. Try it. You’ll amaze yourself.)
Even though we often don’t realize it consciously, subconsciously we believe that having the things we want—whether it’s tangible things like more money, or less tangible things like people’s validation, attention and approval—will suddenly give us MORE value than we had before.
And—here’s the kicker—when that happens we will then give ourselves permission to feel good about ourselves.
Wait. You know feeling good is something we give ourselves permission to experience, right? It’s a choice.
How is that? Because feeling good is regulated by the stories we choose tell ourselves about what certain experiences mean (or meant, if they happened in our distant past) about our VALUE as a human being.
Those stories are the reason why we are so very stingy with that feeling good stuff.
If other people don’t like us, don’t like what we say, don’t value our experiences and don’t treat us as valued and important people…
OR
If our value isn’t validated by a big title, lots of money and cool stuff…
We tell ourselves the story that we haven’t earned the right to feel good. And that if we want to feel good we have to change something outside of ourselves—i.e. get that fancy title, or get someone to agree with us or whatever.
So…do you see the real problem here? And the solution?
Good, I knew you would.
Even though you’ve figured it all out, try my little game anyway and see what happens.
The Tool: “And What Will That Give Me?”
- Make a list of whatever it is you feel you want/need to be happy with whatever situation is most annoying right now. (In order to be feel completely happy right now, I need…)
- Then ask yourself: And what will that give me? (Keep asking this question, looking for deeper answers each time.)
- Now that you understand the little misunderstanding that’s unfolding in your psyche, tell yourself a better story about yourself that gives you permission to feel that way now, no matter what other people think or do. You can even write a list of 10 reasons why you deserve to feel great about yourself right now and incorporate those into your new story.
Today’s a perfectly good day to stop being so stingy with the whole feeling-good-about-yourself stuff. If you can tell yourself any story you want, then you might as well get intentional about telling yourself stories about life and yourself that empower and uplift you. Because…you can.
(And, also, because you should NOT be delegating this job to other people. That’s just going to lead to bitterness and disappointment and a tub of Haagen Dazs, and no one wants that. Well, maybe just the Haagen Dazs… Mmm ice cream.)
Shawn xo.
P.S. I’d love to hear about your experience with this in the comments section below or on my Facebook page. Let’s create community together! We are here to SHARE who we ARE and SUPPORT each other! ♡
