I’ve learned we have a surprising capacity for change. This morning, my 87 year old dad accidentally knocked over a mirror and it smashed into a million pieces. I heard him exclaim “shit” in a sad, exasperated tone.
I went straight there and told him, in a kind voice, not to worry, I would take care of it. Then I spent the next hour picking up and vacuuming glass out of the carpet, and taping up the rest of the mirror, with its frighteningly jagged edges.
My dad apologized three times. Every time, I told him not to feel bad, accidents happen.
All of this is significant only if you know that my father and I were estranged for long periods of my life. He wasn’t someone who ever apologized for anything. He was prone to rage, any time he felt overwhelmed, which was often. He had a lifelong pattern of punishing himself (and others). His nervous system was wired to either go into overdrive or shut down from a very abusive childhood.
But, five years ago, when Covid hit and my parents were having daily screaming matches, I decided to try to help them rewire their nervous system and patterns of response to everyday situations using a method that I had used successfully with my clients, and with myself. The core component of that method is giving empathy to yourself (getting your identity used to receiving empathy). It ended up taking much longer than I imagined (five years). But it worked.
The significance of what I’m sharing is that your brain can be drastically reshaped right into your 80s, even with mental health issues and physical issues. Old patterns of behavioural feelings and triggers and ways of being can be changed, even when those things seem to be a permanent part of your identity.
I was able to help my father get used to feeling more calm, and meet moments like this with more kindness toward himself and others. And he became capable of apologies. All in his late 80s.
This means we all have hope for the things we want to change in our patterns of being.
If you’re interested in learning more about this method I just published a book about it. There’s a link below if you want to read the first couple chapters for free (no email sign up required). It’s my mission to teach this method to as many heart-driven leader-creators as possible, so we can create a better world together.
